Lilblucherrygrl Creations

MY SHOP

Figured I'd do some advertising on my blog for my etsy shop Lilblucherrygrl Creations. I put up a lot of new stuff this weekend and will be continuing to especially make more t-shirts, sell some supplies to other needy artists, and hopefully I can get some painting inspiration soon. Here is what has arrived at the shop lately. If anyone could spread the word to whomever you know who might like my creations it would be MUCH appreciated.

Celtic Design Necklace

Purple Stitched Star Kandi Necklace

Christian Death Band T-shirt

Vintage 1980's Gold Cherry Necklace

1/4 oz Glass Corked Vials Set of 8

Lush Fields Perfume Oil 3ml Sample

Weaning off of medication: My journey.

This post is going to be a lot more personal but the topic itself is still able to be debated or thought over. Even as I am starting to write this I feel anxious because I normally do not like sharing too many personal things. I am a very private person but it would also be interesting to see if anyone has experienced something similar.

Within the past year I have been slowly weaning off of my mood stabilizer, Lamictal. I started on it 6 years ago not long after my overdose at 16 when they were debating on whether or not I had Bipolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder. Over the years even without therapy it became clear that I did not have Bipolar Disorder. I rarely ever experience what could be classified as "manic feelings". If anything I am much more angry and impulsive and I am terrified of abandonment which falls under BPD a lot more.

Regardless of what I have or don't have I decided sometime last year that I felt like I was doing well enough to start weaning off. My doctor agreed so from there it began. The first couple times not much had changed. It wasn't until I dropped down to 50mg did things start to feel very different. The first two weeks...I felt like everything was the way it used to be. When I was angry literally all the time and I had trouble holding in violent outbursts and I started crying everyday. Emotions were piling up and rushing through my head constantly. I thought "Maybe this was a mistake. Am I naturally so bad that I had to numb myself with mood stabilizers in order to lead a semi-normal life?" I felt like a monster again. Until the two weeks ended...

Since then things have evened out quite a bit. It seems like everything I had actually been feeling the whole time came out all at once and now it's balancing itself out again. But things are still not the same as they were when I was on a higher dosage. I am not numb anymore. The biggest difference I've noticed has been in my relationship with my boyfriend, Miles. For years things have been crazy with us. Sex was just not what it used to be. I couldn't decide if I loved him anymore. It was just a fucking mess most of the time. Since I've been on 50mg my libido is completely normal. I can actually feel love to it's fullest extent. Not just with him but even with my friends. I don't feel so incredibley detached from everyone. When I am given a hug now, I can feel the warmth and love whereas before I felt nothing. I cry like a normal person now whereas before I couldn't cry at all. Even if someone died I just couldn't do it. Lamictal made me feel like anytime I was supposed to be feeling an intense emotion, a wall was there blocking it. And I just couldn't get passed it.

I still have things to deal with though. I am naturally a paranoid and anxious person. But as the days go by I am teaching myself how to logically deal with those situations. So far it is working, it just takes time and consistency. I am learning how to balance on my own. The pills were more so about numbing then actual balance. It's kind of like saying that if you feel intense emotions you might as well not feel them at all. Honestly as hard as it is to go through this process mostly on my own I wouldn't go back to those pills for anything. Feeling angry fucking sucks and being paranoid is not fun but I'd take intense genuine emotions over the numbness any day. There are some people in this world that absolutely DO need medication. But I believe I am one of those people that can learn how to live with issues I've been given in this life and turn them into something deal-able. I am not insane and I am not a monster. The times that I thought those shitty things about myself I was even more out of control. But when I realized I am just a different type of person that can make it in this world just as well as anyone else, that confidence pushes me through those tough days and I just keep learning more about myself. In about a month or so Ill be going down to 25mg. And after that...I assume that is it. Ill probably feel completely naked without that shell of numbness. Exposing the positives and negatives of myself to everyone. It's a scary yet exciting thought. Sometimes I think it might be easier to just go back to the pills but I also know that I absolutely hate the illusion of safety. Even if my genuine self IS fucked up. At least I am able to know that and work with it now. I'd much rather know who I really am and deal with those hardships day by day.

Have you ever wheened off of your medication? Do you think it is possible for someone with mental illness to find alternatives in "recovery"?

When the clothes wear YOU.

I've gone through many styles in my life since I was 12/13. Sometimes it's just the only way to feel like you're apart of something. It's good enough for awhile and I always encourage kids and teens to have fun with their wardrobe even if it does look a little silly.

I am 22 now. And it start to become a problem when I still see people my age dressing like the girls above.

You can have a punk rock attitude without piling on junk and looking like you crawled out of the trash. I've seen it done before. It's not too difficult. I just cannot stand it when I hear people say "But my clothes are me. They express who I am." I'm sorry but if all you are is your clothes, the music you listen to and the movies you watch then you have no personality. It's all image and no substance. If your house was on fire and burned all of said clothes to a crisp and you had nothing left...would you suddenly be another person? Fuck no. It's time to grow up. And then comes the total black and white argument "Well if I am not dressed like this then Ill have to look like everyone else". This makes me think that you've been shopping at the same places for so long that you have no idea how much is really out there. And besides, how in the hell are you really standing out when you're wearing basically the same shit as every every goth at the club or every hipster at the mall is? You're just like the thing you claim to hate. You're conforming to one particular lifestyle/style and that is it. It's not different as much as you'd love to think it is.

Here is my story as to how I discovered what style was "me" without looking like the clothes were taking over. Almost 2 years ago I started doing an internship for the owner of an indie fashion shop. She taught me how to sew, design, how to deal with high end customers etc. I'm very grateful to have had the hands on experience. While being there I discovered that even at 30 you can have a fun style without looking like you're trying too hard to be 16. I was encouraged to dress fun and cute once I started dealing with customers more but she said I needed to tone down on the makeup, Hello Kitty and cheap jewelry. At first it kind of hurt because I had been attached to certain looks for so long and I truly thought that was what it meant to be myself. I started to take a step back and talk to models, other shop owners and fashionistas about what made them chose their looks. Of course the most vapid people had the most overdone looks and the effortlessly fashionable were most sure of themselves.

I did a lot of experimenting during that time especially since I was trying to learn how to dress for my body type. Which is hard as hell because I don't like most clothing for curvy women. I like grungy, edgy, shapeless things that would never work with my body. It sucks. But I have to meet in the middle somewhere or Ill look like a fool. Not because anyone else thinks I look terrible, but because I realize that I do.

But anyway after the shop moved to another area and I moved to New York I really started doing my research on my off time and started getting a much better idea of what I really like and who I really am. I am not a really girly person yet I was wearing dresses and skirts and polka dot lace for the longest time. Mostly to make myself feel better despite the fact that I felt like I didn't look good enough. It was to give off some sort of sex appeal because deep inside I hated myself and actually discovered later on I have a lot of problems with sex and doing things to make myself happy in bed or outside the bedroom. It was a huge eye opener and it's crazy but even deep rooted problems can be linked to how you dress or express yourself. It's not like this for everyone though.

So with that out of the bag I delved deeper into what my actual personality is like and frankly has always been. I am much more at peace as a tomboy with slight girlish features/details. I still don't mind wearing form fitting dresses sometimes but they have to have some sort of edge to it or at least an interesting design. I like bold jewelry in raw materials, not obnoxious plastic stuff anymore. And honestly it really goes back to my roots of being a kid and getting really into science and minerals and how nature can make bright colors and amazing textures. I still like darker colors so it goes back to my goth days but I keep the outfit from being too costumey and cheap looking. I love navy blues and olive greens now. The one girlish thing I've kept going is my long hair. But now I like to keep things more natural. I don't even wear makeup anymore even though at some points in my life I thought I'd never be able to live without it.

As a last note: I am not telling anyone how to dress. This is clearly not a guide on how to dress like me or everyone else. I don't want anyone to do that. It just gets annoying to hear the same tired argument of "Us against Them". You're not being open-minded and free-spirited by placing others in a category and not understanding where anyone else is coming from. It's a really high school thing to do and it takes more intellect to be able to see people beyond the physical and tangible. Start wearing the clothes and owning them. Don't let them become a mask and wear you.

Finding a common ground on V Day.

Today I've heard a lot of different opinions and thoughts about Valentines day. Some think it's awesome, others think it's a load of crap. And some just don't care and go about having a normal day. And as usual people are getting shit on for their opinions. Though...this is why they're called opinions...you don't have to like them.

But it would be good for others to understand where to other side is coming from. And that applies to most things in life.

On the one side some people love V Day. They like doing crafts with their child or planning a date with their lover. Or even just spreading love to everyone, including those they don't know(which is personally not a problem with me and I think is the true meaning of what V day should be about.)

These people get crap for being perhaps too lovey-dovey and finding their own meaning in V day. I absolutely think their is no problem with enjoying the holiday so long as you find your own meaning in it and not just buy people shit. You can buy people things any day of the week but to stop for a minute and tell them how much you appreciate them is something I see rarely. Which is sad, but it's true.

Then those like me who are not crazy about the day are labeled as "bitter". I'm sorry but I have nothing to be bitter about. I've been in a relationship for almost 6 years and I am happy with it. I just personally think that our anniversary means a lot more. Plus we are a very different couple. Not traditional at all. We may not get to go on dates much and don't have the money to get each other stuff all the time but we have interesting late night conversations, we still have fun and laugh a lot together and we make stuff for each other if we can't buy that much. My boyfriend has actually got into my bead stash and made me jewelry on a few occasions =) He had no idea what he was doing but from watching me make jewelry he tried to come up with something nice. That means much more to me then diamonds or chocolate.

Some of us hate the consumerism about it which is not surprising. It's fine to keep the economy going but mindlessly buying crap is not a very attractive trait to me. It blows my mind when they have car and cell phone commercials on V Day. As if most of us have the ability to spend that much on friggin Valentines Day. I wouldn't even do that on Christmas.

At the and of it all if this day is supposed to be about love...and love is about acceptance and support among other things...then why are we giving people shit for how they feel about it? People form their opinions mostly based on their experiences. If someone has mainly had lovely V Day experiences then of course they're going to like it. And if someone has been alone and tossed aside almost every Feb 14th then you might want to back off. And some of us just don't care, that is ok too.

Today is my birthday...

And it doesn’t feel so horrible. I’ve actually been dreading it. Turning 22 is just odd to me and the process of getting older is frightening. I wanted to skip this day because I thought it would just be another day anyhow.

But the fact that people I haven’t even known for a year are willing to put something together for my birthday and I never asked for shit…I’ve never known something like that before. And these people aren’t even technically my friends. They are my boyfriend’s friends. Most of his friends treat me with more respect and acknowledge me more then my actual friends sometimes. I know my friends care about me but there is just something I’ve noticed about female friends…they get way too caught up in their own bullshit. I feel like that is always something holding me back from being better friends with the females I know…

I do resent them a bit for being that way, not gonna lie. Sometimes I am guilty of it too. But there is so much I’d do for them if they were ever in need and I always wonder if they’d do the same for me. Though more then likely they would be too busy. I don’t know, to me, you’re never to old or busy to be there for your friends. Work, marriage, kids, visiting family, shopping, school etc takes up your entire life as you get older. But sometimes you need to break that old cycle if just for a second to realize that there are other people in your life. I just don’t think they know how to balance at all. They take the obligations in their life and fill entire weeks/months with those things. Friends don’t seem to matter as much in adult life and I can kind of see how that mindset starts in the first place…

Fuck. I’m going back to bed.